Ketchup is God's man juice
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
