Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
