Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
