Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
