I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
