"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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