It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
