my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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