You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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