help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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