She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
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Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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