I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
