Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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