the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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