I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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