i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
