As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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