TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
