My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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