At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
