Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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