he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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