Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
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