pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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