I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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