So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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