Soap is not a condiment
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
