Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
