Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
