he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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