i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
