I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
