mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
