I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
