i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
