I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
