Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
