There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
