So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
