Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize