I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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