my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
