Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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