Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Come see our sink grown plant.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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