I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
