the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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