so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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