There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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