Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
