Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
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