I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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