your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
