apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
