I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
